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Celebrity Facial Hair
July 18, 2008
Celebrity Facial Hair Friday - Christian Bale
POW! KER-SPLAT! SHAZAM!
Today marks the opening of the latest Batman movie - The Dark Knight. Huge summer blockbuster. Box office record breaking potential. Tragedy and sorrow in the form of a deceased burgeoning star. And one very sexy, cut Christian Bale.
Oh Christian. I may just have a man-crush on you. Sorry Denzel. You're being replaced by four stories of Imax glory.
Today's Celebrity Facial Hair Friday pick is the latest caped crusader himself - Christian Bale - seen here with several days (or perhaps weeks) of growth. And as big a man-crush as I might have, I'm coming down against the facial hair. Just look at these photos of Christian clean shaven. Damn that's a close shave. Skin so smooth... soft... silky...
Where was I? Oh yeah. Denzel. Sorry.
Anyway, I prefer the clean cut, cut, Christian. Not the unshaven, barbaric Bale. Please keep that Fusion on your utility belt. Never know when you're going to have a close shave with the Joker.
What do you do in today's energy conscience world? Reduce, reuse, recycle. And that's why I'm reusing last year's July 4th post (which I liberally called Celebrity Facial Hair Wednesday) and posting it again today. Also, I'm lazy.
"In honor of the 4th of July, Independence Day, we've chosen Uncle Sam as our featured facial hair pick. Yes, [232] years ago our country declared its independence from British rule by proving that the pen was mightier than the sword. 56 men, including John Hancock, put their John Hancock on the Declaration of Independence, and a new country was born. (That may be the condensed version.)
"This now ubiquitous image of Uncle Sam (right) was painted by James Montgomery Flagg in 1917 as a recruitment poster for the US army during World War I. (Thanks Wikipedia. I seem smart!) It is based on this 1914 recruitment poster (left) from England. Who has worse facial hair? Gee that's a tough call. While the Briton's mustache is comically giant, I don't know any American today who would walk around with a white tail protruding from his chin. We've come a long way in our facial hair styles in 90 years. Too bad we're still at war."
Been a while since we've done a Celebrity Facial Hair Friday post, and who better to get us back in the schwing of things than funnyman Mike Myers. From Wayne to Dieter to Austin Powers to Dr Evil, Myers is the king of character creation. And now he's back in his first live-action role since the god awful Cat in the Hat. This Friday Love Guru opens, and we get to meet Mike's latest creation - Guru Pitka.
OK, so obviously the beard is a site gag. It's funny at first, and normally I'd worry it would gets old fast, but Myers has a talent for pulling off the inane. I'll withhold judgment, but I'm hoping that by the end of the movie, Pitka's beard gets the same treatment as Austin Powers' teeth. Plus, I hope there's a lot of Jessica Alba.
This week's Celebrity Facial Hair Friday pick is Robert Downey Jr, star of the latest Marvel superhero movie Iron Man. And what a star he is, helping to bring in over $100 million during opening weekend. Damn! That's a box office smash. Gotta love it when the studios decide to do a sequel within a day.
I'm a big fan of Downey's acting. In my opinion he's one of those guys you'd love to dismiss (like Rob Lowe), and then they turn in a stellar performance. OK, I'll admit it. Tom Cruise is on that list too. Sadly, most of these guys' off-screen lives leave a little something to be desired. We'll admire the artist, not the man.
To the facial hair! I love Downey's goatee in this film. Usually the goatee is reserved for the bad guy, or the cheesy sidekick, but Downey's Tony Stark bucks the trend and makes a bold statement. We declared the goatee dead on the site a few years ago. Robert Downey Jr may have just resurrected it.
You gotta hand it to a guy like David Blaine. It's not easy making a living doing magic. Especially after David Copperfield has already made a 747 and the Statue of Liberty disappear.
Instead, Blaine has focussed on the more personal. Street magic, as he called it. Ever see one of his TV specials where he appears to levitate right in front of random people on the street? How does he do that?
Submerged in a water-filled sphere on the stage of "The Oprah Winfrey Show" during a live broadcast, Blaine held his breath for 17 minutes and 4 seconds. That bested the previous record of 16 minutes and 32 seconds, set Feb. 10 by Switzerland's Peter Colat, according to Guinness World Records.
17 minutes?!? That's insane!
Turns out he spent 23 minutes breathing pure oxygen before performing the feat. And while it's still an amazing accomplishment, it kind of feels like doping. The current record of holding your breath without breathing pure oxygen beforehand is 8 minutes and 58 seconds. (Blaine has attempted unsuccessfully to beat it.) Again, insane.
Anyway, as much as I like and respect David Blaine, I don't like his facial hair. It's kind of sloppy, kind of sleazy. It's like bad Prince. I either want to see more or less. Shave it or grow it. It's time for a change. I'm holding my breath.
Remember that old adage - "In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes"? I'll bet Wesley Snipes wishes he didn't. Seems Mr. Snipes tried to cheat certainty and not pay the government $41 million dollars in taxes.
$41 million dollars.
OK, if he owed the government $41 million, that means he made like $100 million. Which leaves $59 million that he would get to keep. Legally. Dude. Pay up and enjoy your $59 million.
Instead he's sporting the evil Spock goatee and claiming that his sinister twin from a transporter accident is actually to blame. Not buying it. Shave, and pay up.
And enjoy your Benjamins. Now who is credited with that old adage again...?
This week's Celebrity Facial Hair Friday pick is legendary Hollywood actor Charlton Heston. Mr. Heston's roles produced some of the most memorable quotes in movie history:
"Damn you! God damn you all to hell!" - Planet of the Apes
"Soylent green is made of people!" - Soylent Green
"Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!" - Planet of the Apes
Notice a theme? (Hint, it's the exclamation point!)
Mr. Heston's roles also produced some of the most memory beards in movie history.
"Ben Hur" - upper right, looking authentic.
Moses from the "Ten Commandments" - lower right, totally fake. And what's with the mane? Are you a Flock of Seagulls fan?
Anyway, Charlton passed away this week. We will miss him. I may not agree with his right to bear (military-grade semi-automatic) arms, but I will protect his right to bear facial hair. So long, and thanks for all the beards.
This week's Celebrity Facial Hair Friday pick is former Friends star David Schwimmer. David's feature film directorial debut "Run, Fatboy, Run" opened last week to mixed reviews, so David grew a beard.
What is it with first time directors and beards? First Jake Gyllenhaal, then Ben Affleck, and now David Schwimmer. It's like they all are trying to look like sophisticated and brooding artists. I'm convinced they all have the same publicist.
Hey! We get it. You did a bunch of acting. Some of which you're not proud. Now you want to direct. And be taken seriously. It's a natural progression. But who's telling you all to grow beards? And how long after the last junket do you shave it? I'm guessing 24 hours. Max.
This week's Celebrity Facial Hair Friday pick is Tejano music star Emilio Navaira. The Grammy winning artist has been in the news recently, unfortunately not for his music. Seems Emilio was driving his tour bus overnight, coming back from a gig, when the bus went off the road and Emilio was hurled through the windshield. That pretty much sucks.
After several experimental procedures and brain surgeries, it looks like there might be hope for Emilio. What helped him through this? The love of his family? Most certainly. Care from the best doctors? No doubt. But I think any man that can pull of a mustache has got an 18 constitution to match his 18 charisma. Yes, I did just make a D&D reference. Now normally I'm not a fan of the mustache, but in this case it seems defining. And fortifying. So get well soon Emilio. Que te mejores.
Celebrity Facial Hair Friday - Ben Affleck (again)
Back in October I railed against Ben Affleck and his directorial beard. Ben had just debuted his new film Gone Baby Gone, decked out in take-me-seriously facial hair, and I wasn't buying it. Perhaps I was a little less than generous in my picks of roles to highlight. I mean, despite Armageddon being somewhat preposterous, he really did play a convincing driller.
Anyway, I got the chance to meet Mr. Affleck last weekend, along with his lovely wife, and it turns out he's actually a pretty sharp guy. And he and I shared matching one-day's worth of growth. Now if I could only learn to face the camera like a movie star (and my wife).
This week's Celebrity Facial Hair Friday pick is Golden State Warriors guard Baron Davis. Just another NBA player with a beard, you ask? Maybe. But also a businessman who has issued a facial hair smackdown.
That's right. According to his recent post on Yardbarker, a site "where athletes and fans debate, read and write about sports", Davis is calling you out at his site www.ibeatyou.com.
I created a competition on the site called The Best Beard...grow out a beard and join the comp. See if ya'll can top mine!!! FYI, there are a limited number of invites attached to the button so get it while its HOT!! LOL!!
OK, for those of you who are old, "comp" means competition; "LOL" means laugh out loud; and "HOT" means hot.
Of course, www.ibeatyou.com is in alpha (which means it probably has a lot of bugs (no, not those kinds of bugs - too much to explain)), so you can't sign up unless you get an invite. So if you were one of the cool kids who got in, share the love and let us know the details. If not, watch Baron Davis's beard and judge for yourself.
Yo Drama! What's that shit on your grill? You got a caterpillar on your face?
Look, I know you're always striking out with the ladies, but this is not a good change. Stick with the clean-shaven look, or go way out there with the facial hair. The mustache says sleazy and over-confident.
No big surprise on this week's pick - none other than Cuban President/Commander/Comrade/Jefe Fidel Castro. I'll skip the politics (although maybe I've started on some already) and get right to the beard.
It's big. It's bushy. And it's iconic.
Whether you love him or hate him, that bearded face and green military fatigues have become emblematic of a radical Latin American military dictator. Watch any cheesy movie set in South or Central America and you'll easily be able to spot the leader.
So who will take over Castro's position? Normally we'd ask if the next president could fill Castro's shoes. I think it's better to ask if he (or she) could fill his beard.
Super Bowl XLII was this past Sunday, and in keeping with the tradition of hiring tame half-time acts (since Justin, Janet, and her wardrobe malfunction), Tom Petty got the nod. Actually, I think first Springsteen got the nod, who gave them the nix. Then the Eagles got the nod, and they also gave the no. So it was third string Petty who graced the halftime platform and robotically sang his three most boring songs from Full Moon Fever, the jump-the-shark album of his discography.
Are you feeling my love?
American Girl is a good song. Thanks for singing that one. What about Refugee? Here Comes My Girl? The Waiting? Not commercial enough, apparently.
Whatever. Tom Petty is old. And he's grown a ridiculous beard to try to mask it. But I know he hasn't written a decent song since 1989. That beard ain't fooling me.
Celebrity Facial Hair Friday - Christian Bale
"This now ubiquitous image of Uncle Sam (right) was painted by James Montgomery Flagg in 1917 as a recruitment poster for the US army during World War I. (Thanks 
Mr. Heston's roles also produced some of the most memory beards in movie history. 
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